Welcome back to The Foxhole, friends!! I know I took a bit of a hiatus…I had my finals to power through and honestly I haven’t had much to talk about lately. I guess that’s a good thing because I’m only good at writing when I’m working out a problem, but now my boredom is a problem, so here we are!!
If you’re one of my Pittsburgh readers, you know that Kenny Chesney was this past weekend. It was my first time going, and it was seriously so fun. The weather was beautiful, and I was surrounded by some of my absolute favorite people. Even though country music isn’t exactly my jam, dancing around with my best friends and family was a blast. (And I met Juju Smith-Schuster, so that was pretty sick). For all of the smiles I had on Saturday, there were some tears shed too.
I’m having some trouble feeling at peace in the season of life that I’m in right now. While we were at the concert, there was a 30 minute period where my friends all coupled off with their boyfriends/girlfriends and disappeared into the crowd, and I was standing alone with all of the adults that I had come with, who were all dancing with their husbands/wives. In those thirty minutes, I felt so lonely even though I was surrounded by thousands and thousands of people. I had to dab my eyes every few seconds with my sleeve because I was embarrassed to be crying when I should have been having fun, and I didn’t want my parents to see. (But there is literally nothing that I can do that gets past my mother).
I haven’t had a real boyfriend since my senior year of high school, and that’s okay…there wasn’t a moment in high school that I was single. I think I experienced the things that I did the past two years without a boyfriend so that I could grow into the strong woman that I am now. I wasn’t alone obviously. I always had my family and friends to lean on. It was definitely an adjustment for me though because I literally ALWAYS had a significant other in high school. Pretty much every single one of my closest girlfriends from high school is in a relationship at the moment. Seeing them so happy fills me with so much joy, but it also makes me crave what they have.
When I say I’m having trouble being at peace in this season of life, I mean that I feel like I’m stuck. Not because I’m single, even though that whole incident is what really got me thinking about this topic. I was really hitting my stride towards the end of sophomore year. I met some amazing people through Theta and formed super strong friendships. I was loving my classes and rocking out my grades. And, I had my yoga teacher certification under my belt which was a massive accomplishment. I’m so happy to be home with my family now, but I also feel like I’ve been living in limbo since I returned. This is partially my fault. I wasn’t proactive enough about finding an internship for this summer. When people ask me what I’m doing this summer, it causes me physical pain to be like, “Ummm….nothing?” I’m taking an online class for school, but other than that I am bang-my-head-against-a-wall bored.
I’m looking for jobs, but nothing is bearing fruit. I want to blog, but nothing is on my mind. I’m looking for love, but facing rejection. I’m exercising every day, but still feel lumpy and awkward. I’m trying really hard not to complain because I’m in a much better place than I was in a year ago, but limbo is a weird place to be after a year of consistent growth and progress.
I’m sure I’m not the only person who has sat back before and just been like…“What the hell am I doing?” If you can relate, it’s a really uncomfortable and honestly kind of scary place to be.
So, here is what I plan to do to find the reason for this season (ew, so cheesy, sorry).
I don’t necessarily have a plan of action because life has a way of carrying on the way it’s intended to no matter how many action plans I put into place. Rather, I have some nice reminders for myself for when I feel stuck.
- See through this season to the promise of what’s to come. Winter sucks, but at least you can rest assured that spring will always follow. (Sorry if you’re a winter person, I really don’t like when my fingers are cold). Maybe I’m living in this season of life right now to prepare me for something bigger than I could imagine. Maybe that’s part of the plan so that I’m ready for it when it comes. I have no idea what’s coming, but there’s gotta be something there.
- You need to experience the valleys to appreciate the mountaintops. But don’t get too comfortable in the valleys. Or at the plateaus, a.k.a. where I currently am. A plateau is certainly better than rock bottom, and the view is decent. But the peaks are so worth the climb, or so I’ve heard. I’d like to see for myself.
- Don’t get too caught up on creating every single detail of what’s to come yourself. A pretty big stressor for me right now is trying to figure out wtf I’m going to do with my life once college is over. My mom brings up grad school all the time, and some of my friends at school are always making choices with their future 5 years down the line in mind. Yes, there is some merit to planning like that. But, worrying is where I turn my nose away at the idea. Since I’ve gotten school, I’ve changed my major drastically. I thought going in to school that I was going to be a criminal prosecutor. Then I thought I was going to run a marketing firm. Now I’m thinking about being a psychiatrist. And this is just in the past two years. I’ve had plenty of other (brief) career aspirations before then. It’s not that I lack direction, I’m just evolving. My point is, I always set goals for myself but I never stress about sticking exactly to my plan. I got into college. Check. I passed the first half of college with flying colors. Check. There are things we can plan for, and things we can’t. Hating school and transferring was NOT part of my plan. I know in August I’m going to go back to school for my junior year. Between now and then, I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to evolve and grow. Here’s my goal: To go back to school an even better version of myself than I was when I left. I have a timeline, I have a goal, I have motivation and determination to get there one way or another. The details are up to the universe, I guess. Maybe that’s naive, but I am an unemployed 20-year-old, sooooo……
From now until August, I’m going to use these reminders to help me move with peace of mind through this season of my life. If you have ever felt this way and have tips on how to move through this period, send them my way!! As I always say, you aren’t alone and we could help each other out!
Until next time,
In grace and gratitude, in love and light…x