Holy forking shirt. Wow. I am so so so sorry for the delay of this second post. I needed to take a few days to really digest and soak in all of the beautiful words of compassion and encouragement I received after posting my first blog. I still haven’t really wrapped my head around it yet (450 views in 24 hours?!?!) but to everyone who took the time to read my words and to those who reached out to me, I cannot thank you enough. Truly. I’ve been taking the past few days to try and string together the perfect words to convey my gratitude, and I really can’t seem to do it. Thank you doesn’t seem like enough to me. So, I say thank you times a million bajillion and am sending you all the love and light I can possibly give.
I still can’t believe I wrote about the struggles I went through and posted them for the world to see. I’m an extremely guarded person, and I never really like to show people when I’m having a hard time. I’m sure for the majority of the people who read the blog, the fact that I thought so seriously about, and almost actually did take my own life came as a complete shock. A lot of people knew I hated SMU, but no one knew the extent of my depression. When people asked me about school, I had a really generic and rehearsed response and would just kind of awkwardly laugh it off. Even my closest circle of friends had no idea that I was in therapy all summer. Like I said, I could count on one hand the people who knew about it…my mom, my dad, my sister Katie, my doctor, and my friend Molly who I told one night when I was drunk. (I guess alcohol makes me really ballsy?)
Molly was actually the first person to know. I was visiting her at Miami the first weekend of April. I was finishing up my transfer application and wanted to go visit just to make absolutely sure I was making the right decision. In hindsight, the decision was obvious…anywhere was better than SMU. But I wasn’t sure about anything at that point in my life, and I also was looking for any excuse to get away from SMU. One night, we were out at the main bar on campus, Brick Street. I had had a few drinks and then found myself bawling my eyes out in the bathroom to Molly. I’m not really sure what triggered my outburst…maybe it was the fact that I was surrounded by people I didn’t know or that if I committed to leaving SMU it would just be another massive upheaval that I wasn’t sure I could handle. I wasn’t confident enough in myself to start over again. I was terrified. What if I uprooted the shit show of a life I was living in Dallas and just replanted it somewhere else? What if college just wasn’t for me? What if the “best four years of my life” that I had heard adults raving about my entire life were something I’d chase after but never catch? I needed some stability, but I couldn’t catch my footing. I saw people all around me having so much fun, and I wasn’t. The floodgates suddenly burst open, and I found words I never thought I’d confess pouring out of my mouth uncontrollably.
“I thought about killing myself, Molly. I tried to overdose. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me or what do. I hate my life, I hate my school, I’m in so much pain, and I’m just so depressed.” (or something along those lines)
Molly talks a lot (hey girl :)). But she’s one of the most trustworthy people I know. Even if I told her drunkenly, desperately, and impulsively, I knew I could trust her. She has an incredibly strong faith, lives without judgment, and would do anything for her friends. She grabbed my hands, and by chance caught a glimpse of something written on the wall and pointed to it. “Look,” she said. “This was written for you.” Scribbled in white marker on the door of the stall in the grimy Brick Street bathroom were words that would speak to my soul.
“Hi, love yourself, because the world can be cruel…you’re amazing.”
I have no idea who wrote that. There are all kinds of bullshit written on those stalls. But whoever took the time to write that, thank you. You held my hand with your words and walked with me through a really dark time. Molly took a picture of it on my phone and set it as my screensaver. Every time I would look at my phone, that beautiful reminder would make my heart crack a little smile. And Molly, thank you for being so understanding, for checking up on me when I went back to SMU, and for protecting my secret. You are an amazing friend that I’m blessed to have.
I’m still trying to figure this whole blog thing out. I have a vision for the direction I want to head in, but I think it will take some time to find my rhythm. So please, just bear with me. I promise to pour my heart into everything I post. I’m sort of treating it as an online diary. I have lots of content ideas, but if there’s anything you would like me to talk about, reach out! There’s a contact page in the main menu, and all of my social media pages are linked with little icon thingys. Also, don’t be surprised if you check back and the format has changed. I’m still trying to find a template that I like. I’m super super picky and so it might take some time to figure out a set up that doesn’t make me panicky.
Also, a few people asked if there was any way to follow or subscribe to my blog…I finally figured it out! There’s a place to enter your email on the right side of each screen! So subscribe!! (and tell your friends!!) I’m trying to figure out how frequently I’m going to post..I’m thinking once or twice a week, but I can’t settle on a day. Any suggestions?? (THIS IS SO EXCITING!!)
To wrap this post up, I’d like to say thank you again (you’ll be hearing me say that a lot). I’m truly so humbled and grounded by the outpouring of love and support. I feel like I have planted a seed that has the potential to grow into something really beautiful. I promise to be as honest and authentic as I possibly can in each thing I write. This blog is a sacred space to me, and I plan to treat it as such. I have so much to say, and I just can’t wait to see where this journey takes us!
In grace and gratitude, in love and light, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!